boxofdactyls | tv tropes ❧ open meme

[I'm setting this in some nebulous time on their romantic russian vacation. mulder got distracted by local fauna, as one does, especially when it's currently blocking the road. and what is that local fauna???

i shit you not.

needless to say krycek has the worst bitchface ever and is glaring at mulder like everything is his fault.

because it is.]

Well?

[because what else do you say when you're driving along in fucking Russia AND A GIANT SPIDER CROSSES YOUR PATH.]

Hold on! [ ihu randomizer

mulder slams on the brakes, but literally

crit failed his drive check 8) slamming so abruptly that the truck skids on the muddy tracks, swerving wildly out of control, fish tailing. he tries to overcorrect even as he leans forward to try to see the giant fucking spider hanging down from the trees in front of them, but in cranking the wheel so far, the truck bucks the other way, hits the side of the road, and then

rolls. you're welcome. ]

[This is literally the worst day of Krycek's life and he has had a lot of bad days. As soon as the car stops rolling, he groans and assesses the damage, but he's Alex Fucking Krycek and his best skill is surviving everything, so he plants his hand on the roof of the upturned car and undoes his seatbelt with his free hand.]

Isn't this how you normally spend your days, Mulder? [he hisses again as he tries to adjust himself into a less uncomfortable position.] Didn't think anything spooky could put a dent in that cool veneer of yours.

[ cracking my shit up b/c mulder like

bombed his fort save, which means that krycek gets no response. and when he turns, he'd see mulder is passed out, held in place by his belt, a line of blood running down his forehead. ]

[IS THIS THE REAL LIFE.

IS THIS JUST FANTASY.

Well, Krycek now has the perfect moment to leave unconscious Mulder in this car and let him become spider chow while he flees across Mother Russia, laughing his ass off the whole way. He can see this dream so clearly. It's just such...

...a waste.

Immediately, all enthusiasm drains from his expression, as he considers Fox Mulder going down like a fucking bitch. And it lacks a certain personal touch. The sheer amount of concussions alone warrant Krycek getting to laugh in his face a little before he slinks off to that big fucking conspiracy in the sky. Also he'd like to be able to send Polaroids to THAT JACKASS WHO WON'T HURRY UP AND DIE OF LUNG CANCER ALREADY.

Anyway, all of this deeply meaningful justification occurs within in the span of a moment and Krycek manages to get himself into an upright position so he can grab Mulder's... gun. Definitely his gun. Which he's definitely going to brandish a bit and press it gingerly to Mulder's unconscious temple.]

If you so much as touch me when this is over.... [he doesn't... finish that. He just pockets the gun and kicks out the window with a manly kick (str 17). YOU STILL UNCONSCIOUS OVER THERE, MULDER??? Because he's so looking forward to dragging your lanky ass out a broken window.]

[ the dice say that he's doing a very helpful number where he sort of lolls a bit, his head moving back and forth as he tries to shrug off the UNCONSCIOUSNESS and pain but doesn't fully succeed yet. 8| ]

[well the dice say krycek got a nat 20 to yank mulder's unconscious body through this window, so... that's really hetero.

somehow through all this, krycek has almost forgotten about the spider. the spider, however, has not forgotten about them, and begins its approach. Krycek fires a shot at it, and it... doesn't even come close to hitting it because it's not even in range. Stupid giant spider.]

Mulder, now would be a good to time to wake up.

[ wow he's still groggy as hell but he manages to come to a sitting position, one hand moving to the side of his head as he tries to get his bearings, starts at the sound of the shot. ] ... Krycek? [ that sounds like disappointment in his voice. ] So much for hoping that was all a bad dream.

And here I was thinking I could have just shot you in the head and ran for it.

[:| You know, instead of saving your ass.

Remind him why he did that??]

Meanwhile, there's still a spider the size of a Volkswagon.

[IN CASE YOU FORGOT.]

[ well THAT WAKES HIM UP OK, and he scrabbles for his gun, which he doesn't find, noticing that thing is bearing down on them. he grits his teeth, realizing the other man took his gun 8| ] Don't just stand there with your head up your ass, Krycek!

I'm working on it. [getting his head out of his ass or shooting the spider. WE JUST DON'T KNOW, because he missed again. holy shit, krycek. you are a hitman. this is like YOUR ONE JOB. IT IS THE ONE THING PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO DO.

and the spider has now decided it's done watching its soaps and is skittering towards them to bite their heads off or something, as spiders do.]

[ mulder clambers backwards, getting to his feet, grabbing for the man's shoulder after he misses ] Krycek! Give me the gun!

[Krycek looks like he's trying to debate whether death by spider or giving Mulder the upper hand again is worse, and finally decides that he does not long for the sweet release of death, especially not like this, and hands it over.]

You miss enough times, you better damn well save a bullet for yourself, Mulder. That's gotta be a bad way to go.

[You know what he's gonna do now.

He's gonna

run like a fucking bitch.

HE LEFT MULDER WITH THE GUN AND DIDN'T LEAVE HIM TO DIE UNCONSCIOUS IN THE CAR. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF GOOD DEEDS DO YOU WANT FROM HIM TODAY.]

[ mulder fires off four shots at the charging spider, starting to stagger backwards from it as krycek goes RUNNING OFF THAT BITCH. he hits three times, the third shot going wild. the spider hisses and a big sticky blob of web goes shooting out from it, but with a NAT 20 mulder does a fucking tuck and roll to the side ]

[That would've been the last anyone saw of Krycek, except I rolled to decide if he'd actually get away and we'd just have Mulder and a spider forever, but he

crit failed.

so apparently the road just up around the curve is a sticky awful mess of web and the only option is back the way they came or straight down and that looks like... some drop.

REALLY.

Full of frustrated Aries rage, Krycek picks up the biggest rock he can get his hands on and returns, hurling it at the spider... and fails. Apparently, my dice HATE KRYCEK. HE HAS NOT ROLLED ABOVE A FIVE ON ANY ATTACK.] It's got the road blocked.

[ it's ok, mulder fucking misses again as he sees krycek running back, getting to his feet as he shouts: ] Then we've gotta get around it, head back the other way!

tv tropes ❧ open meme

fox mulder ♔ the x-files

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